Properly posh in no time at all

What's that, darling? You're tired of speaking like a commoner? You want to be more elegant, stylish and upper-class? No fear, my dear! You just need to follow these five basic steps, and before you know it, you'll be enjoying afternoon tea in Buckingham Palace with Her Majesty The Queen…

1. Firstly, perfect the 'arh' sound

This is one of the defining features of posh talk, a sound that is somewhere between a sigh of relief ('ahh') and the cry of a bloodthirsty pirate ('arrrgh, me hearties')

When pronouncing the words 'bath', 'path' and 'grass', this sound is essential.

Instead of pronouncing the 'a' sound like in 'cat', 'mat' or 'bat', if you are posh, the 'a' becomes an 'ar' sound, like in 'hard', 'star' and 'far'. Try it: barth, parth, and grahss.

Did you know? You can even tell where a person is from in the UK, based on the way they pronounce 'bath', 'path' and 'grass'. Southerners say 'barth', and northerners say 'bath'.

2. Expand your vocabulary

Instead of saying 'amazing', try out words like fabulous, marvellous (marrrrvelous), or spiffing.

Instead of using the words, 'really' or 'very', replace them with truly, utterly, awfully, frightfully, or dreadfully:

It's utterly freezing! I'm awfully cold! It's frightfully chilly outside today!

3. Fantabulous phrases

Phrases such as 'Oh gosh!', 'goodness gracious!', 'fiddlesticks!' and 'jolly good show' should be used as much as possible. And don't forget to call your friend 'old chap' and add a 'darling' to the end of every sentence:

Why hello there, old chap!
Oh gosh! Your salmon-pink scarf is truly spiffing, darling!

4. Fake names and words

If you are dying to be posh but your parents called you 'Bob', you can just make up a new name, that's far more fun!

It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance. My name is Issy, but you can call me Henrietta Miranda Rose, darling.

Making up words is also a sign of being super-posh. As long as you draw out your 'arh' sounds, walk around with your nose in the air, and sip tea with your little finger sticking out, you can get away with almost anything! If it's hard to come up with something, try combining words like this: 'spiffing' and 'delicious', and you've got one 'Simply spiffalicious cake, darling!'

5. Talk about oneself in the third-person

This is the art of replacing the personal pronouns, 'I' or 'you', with 'one' to talk about yourself. It is an absolute must if you want to speak like the Queen...

Would one (you) like to go for a coffee?
Oh how marrrvelous, one (I) would be delighted!

Well, now you know the secret to speaking posh, all you need to do now, is practise! Why don't you invent a fake name, invite your friends over for an afternoon tea party, or even better, come along to Campus to find out more? Of course, if none of that works for you, then just try pinching your nose while you talk, old chap.

Author: Issy, teacher at Campus